God Meant It For Good: Celebrating My Spiritual Birthday

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. (Genesis 50:20)

Today, June 18, I turn 15 years old in Christ. And looking back over my life, though it hasn't all been pleasant, God has been in it, working for my good and his glory. So I thought it would be fitting today to share some of God's working in my life. I pray that you would be encouraged by my story and that you would celebrate God's gift of salvation with me on this important day.

Genesis 50:20 is a verse that has taken me years to understand. In fact, I still don't grasp it in all of its fullness. But God has graciously shown me that I am where I am today in spite of the evil done to me because of his good intentions amidst the evil.

You Meant Evil Against Me
This is probably one of the hardest blog posts to write. In fact, I have been struggling with writing it for months. But I feel my story needs to be told for two reasons. First, so that others who may be in the same place may be able to see God's grace in the midst of it. And second, because it's a reminder to me how God has been faithful despite everything that has happened. What I'm writing here is something that few who know me actually know. I will not recount my whole life story, but rather focus on one thing: a great evil done to me.

From the ages of 11-16, I was sexually abused. I will not name my perpetrator here, nor will I give much detail. It took me years to understand that what was happening was indeed abuse. And I didn't tell anyone until several years later.

The time of being abused was very difficult for me. I felt ashamed. Guilty. Like I had done something wrong. I was confused. Devasted. It left me without a sense of who I was, and I came to doubt that God cared for me or could even love me. I became bitter and depressed, lashing out in anger often. When I was 13, I was near suicidal, contemplating whether or not I should continue to try in life. I hated everything. I had reached the end of myself, but had nowhere to turn.

But God Meant It For Good
God had great mercy on me during this time. He set it up so that I would go to church camp the week of June 17-21, 1996. That Tuesday night, June 18, I realized that I needed God's forgiveness and that Christ died so that I could be saved. I also realized that my life was a mess and that Jesus looked better to me than the ways I had been managing. I asked Jesus into my life, and for the first time I realized that God did in fact love me.

There was a dramatic change in my life. I was lashing out less and less in anger. I started doing well in school. While depression remained, I didn't see suicide as an option. Instead, I saw more and more that God was walking with me through the pain and confusion I was dealing with. He was leading me to where he wanted me to be.

The abuse still continued for a few more years, as did the guilt, the shame, and the silence. I am having to learn what forgiveness is and how to go about it. I still struggle with identity and my sense of self. Some of the painful effects remain to this day. But I no longer face it alone. I may not know who I am, but I know whose I am, and that makes all the difference. I am a child of God. And the truth that he speaks over me is more important than the lies of a thousand evils done against me. I am learning to trust my heavenly Father as he leads me into all the good that he planned from the start.

I may be 28 years old, but today, I am 15 in Christ. He saved me, gave me new life, and made me his own child by the blood of his Son Jesus, who loved me and gave himself for me. Praise God for his good work in me!